What Do I Believe About Sin?

Right now in therapy we are working on processing a traumatic memory from my high school years using EMDR. One of these days I should get around to writing specifically about what EMDR is, but I'll save that for a later time. For now, if you aren't familiar with it (and why would you be? I know I wasn't!) please feel free to toss the letters EMDR into your search engine of choice. There are a lot of fancy and intellectual-sounding words involved, but basically it's like free association while watching lights go back and forth. (My therapist uses a light bar instead of her finger or a baton.)

Last week during EMDR my brain kept going back to some very dark thoughts, like how guilty I feel and that I think I'm going to hell. My therapist does a good job of countering unhealthy or distorted thoughts to help me keep my thoughts moving, but I was very much stuck. She asked me to do an assignment for next week: “What do I believe about sin?” She also asked that I back up my beliefs with scriptures from the New Testament.

As usual, I have been putting off my assignment because I don't like thinking about things outside of my therapist's office. I am still really bad about handling my emotions on my own and tend to avoid them if at all possible. So, naturally, I avoided them to the point of spending a lot of Saturday behaving rather compulsively… which basically means I gave in to sin. After wasting half of my weekend, I resolved to tackle this assignment.

I started out by turning off all distractions and coaching myself to be honest and just think: Without quoting or paraphrasing scripture, what do I truly believe about sin? My therapist didn't ask me to tell her what the Bible says about sin; she asked what I think about sin. So, whether they align with scripture or not, what are my beliefs about sin? This is what I came up with.

• Sin makes me dirty and disgusting.
• Sin makes me unlovable and unworthy.
• Sin covers me where my high school boyfriend touched me, over my clothes and under—like blue paint that won't wash off.
• Because of my sins I'm going to hell.
• Everyone can see my sins so I have to hide and stay in the dark. / My sins cut me off from everyone.
• God doesn't want me because I sin.
• I shouldn't be forgiven for my sins.
• My sins are much stronger than I am; they weigh me down, imprison me, and crush me.

As I thought about sin and its influence on me, I started to picture what it would look like if it were some kind of living creature. I had a clear image of this dark greenish brown wormy blob with spikey black hair all over it. It looked like it was decaying as it slither-squirmed across the ground, eerie and disturbing. This is what I keep turning to instead of experiencing my feelings or thoughts that remind me of my past.

Returning to this sinful state and identifying myself so closely with it is not only psychologically unhealthy but also damaging to my spiritual condition and relationship with God. I'm not sure how I have spent nearly three decades, practically my whole life, attending church regularly and studying the Bible and yet clinging to these beliefs that do not align with scripture. There is such a stark contrast between what I know about scripture and what I feel is true about myself and my condition. Perhaps this is why the phrase “renewing your mind” appears in the epistles. Whatever the case, I know that God forgives, and I know He will never leave or forsake me so long as I continue to seek Him. Even if I don't always feel these things are true. I will cling to truth in the scripture instead of my feelings. Lord, be with me and help me to believe what You say is true so that I may serve You with my whole being.

Heart of Stone

The word of the Lord came to the priest Ezekiel during the first wave of Babylonian captivity.

… “Thus says the Lord God: I will gather you from the peoples and assemble you out of the countries where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel.” And when they come there, they will remove from it all its detestable things and all its abominations. And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the HEART OF STONE from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. But as for those whose heart goes after their detestable things and their abominations, I will bring their deeds upon their own heads, declares the Lord God. (Ezek 11:17–21; emphasis mine)

Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came…. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the HEART OF STONE from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. (Ezek 36:22, 24–28; emphasis mine)

A heart of stone. What is that? I think I know. I think I have experienced at least a little bit of what it is like to have a heart made of stone. A heart unresponsive to God's word, to His patience, kindness, mercy, and faithfulness. Knowing and believing that something is wrong but doing it anyway. Instead of praying for strength or escape from temptation, allowing myself to go numb and give in.

Ezekiel prophesied during the reign of Zedekiah. Not much is recorded of Zedekiah in the Chronicles, but enough is said to give us a picture of this man. He was young by our standards. Only 21 when his reign began. Only about 32 when his reign ended in his capture. He rebelled against the King of Babylon though he swore by God he would remain subject to Babylonian authority. Because he swore by God, he rebelled against God in doing this. Despite the prophet Jeremiah's numerous warnings and prophecies, Zedekiah remained unmoved: “He stiffened his neck and hardened his heart against turning to the Lord” (2 Chron 36:11–14).

Ezekiel's prophecies and Zedekiah's example were written for my benefit, for everyone's benefit. Here is a snapshot of my life: I am a young female, 27 years old. I have been struggling with a secret sin on and off for several years but regularly for the past several months. Because of my deliberate and repetitious rebellion against God, I am now captive to this sin, ensnared by it. Not wholly unmoved, but not turning to God, I have grown addicted. I harden my heart when I give in. I harden my heart against God. Once I become numb I am powerless to stop myself.

And yet, God is still God. And He has unfathomable power. John the Baptist proclaimed to the multitudes that came to be baptized, “God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham” (Luke 3:8). If God can change stones into living descendants of Abraham, He most certainly can replace a heart of stone with a heart of flesh.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

This “Dismissive-Avoidant” in Relation to God

I dismiss my holy Father in heaven. I dismiss His mercy and grace and forgiveness. I dismiss His strength and power and might. I dismiss His wisdom and knowledge and understanding. I dismiss His precious Son who He sent to this earth to live a life of servitude and to ultimately die on the cross for all our sins. I dismiss the Holy Spirit who God sent to dwell within those who believe in Him and His Son.

I avoid my holy Father in heaven. I avoid Him when guilt and shame overwhelm me. I avoid Him when I am tempted and caught in sin. I avoid Him when I am afraid and don't know what to do. I avoid contemplating His Son's sacrifice. I avoid the idea that the Holy Spirit lives within me.

I depend on myself, my own resolve and strength and mind, rather than crying out to God for help. But I am through. I have no more to give in this fight. I am tired of feeling hopeless, afraid, and alone. I need my God and Father in my life.

Once again, Father, I spent several hours of the past few days in sin. You know this but I want to confess my sin to You. You know how I hate it yet am drawn to it. You know how I try to run from it yet I keep returning to it. You know the pangs of guilt I experience near the end of my sin and the wave of shame that washes over me. I am dirty, weak, and lost, Lord God. Please help me to receive and accept Your mercy, grace, and forgiveness; to lean on Your strength, power, and might; to seek counsel in Your wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Help me to accept that Your Son died for the sins of us all, including my own, and to think often on His sacrifice and what it means for me. Help me to accept and allow the influence of the Holy Spirit in my life. It is by the intercession of the Holy Spirit and through the name of Your Son that I am able to pray to You, Father. Amen.