Cognitive Restructuring: Letter to My (Baby) Self

Hey, little baby [J],

The first letter I wrote to you was really mean. [My therapist] wanted me to rewrite that letter. At first I didn't think I could do it but then some verses from the Bible popped into my head. Here they are:

“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will take care of me.” (Psalm 27:10)

A lot of the time it will sort of feel like Mom and Dad aren't really there with you. You will always have enough to eat and drink, and you will always have shoes on your feet and clothes to wear. (Don't worry. You won't always have to wear those frilly dresses.) You will get your teeth brushed, your diapers changed, your hair and body washed. Mom and Dad will make sure of all those things. But once you have 2 or 3 siblings, Mom and Dad won't really hug you or play with you. There are going to be lots of babies in your family and that will be a lot of fun. The babies will get Mom and Dad's hugs and attention. And you might not realize it for a long time, but you will get overlooked and accidentally ignored. And that won't feel good. You won't develop strong, positive attachments to either one of your parents. And a lot of times you will feel empty and alone. But you and I both need to believe that God is able to be there for you and me in ways that Mom and Dad can't be. And that is true for everyone because moms and dads aren't perfect. When you feel alone or forsaken, believe that God still wants to take care of you.

“I was placed in your care from birth. From my mother's womb you have been my God. Do not be so far away from me. Trouble is near, and there is no one to help.” (Psalm 22:10–11)

You are very blessed because your family goes to church and you hear about God. And even though you will wrestle with and question your belief in Him, you will find that God is the only real answer. Around the time you become firm in your belief, there will be a lot of scary and difficult things going on. Your family will have moved to a place where you don't know anybody, and you will not get to go to school with your friends from church. You will go to a very different school and a different church. You will no longer be taught about God by your friends' parents or your relatives or other adults you've known for a long time. You will sit by a boy in school who dies in a car accident. And you will be in a scary and sinful relationship with a boy who was also one of your first friends at your new school. You'll probably notice it then but as the years pass you'll realize it even more: You need help. But you don't know how or who to ask. These situations are too heavy to handle alone. So at night you will pray to God because that is all you can think to do. And you will pray, asking God to hear you even though you have doubted His existence, you continually sin against Him, and you have not committed yourself to following Him. And I do believe He heard you and pulled you out of the relationship you were in. When you didn't know who to go to for help, you went to God. Don't ever stop going to God for help.

“Listen to me, descendants of Jacob, the few people left of the nation of Israel. I've carried you since your birth. I've taken care of you from the time you were born. Even when you're old, I'll take care of you. Even when your hair turns gray, I'll support you. I made you and will continue to care for you. I'll support you and save you.” (Isa 46:3–4)

These verses are from God to His children. No matter how old you get, you will still be God's child. Even after you outgrow your cuteness and you lose your innocence, God will still pick you up and carry you. Even if you live long enough to earn gray hairs, God will still be willing and able to carry you just like your parents did when you were too young to crawl or walk or scoot on your own.

I know you don't feel these things, and neither do I, really, but we both need to believe these things. Maybe in time the feeling will match the faith. It is the faith that matters most, and that is our choice.

J

Scripture is taken from GOD'S WORD®. Copyright 1995 God's Word to the Nations. Used by permission of Baker Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See http://bakerpublishinggroup.com/rights-permissions/permission for information on Licensing and Permissions.

Bible Verses in Song: “Whom Shall I Fear”

A song that resonates with me is Chris Tomlin's “Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies)” composed by Ed Cash, Scott Cash, and Chris Tomlin. I think one reason it resonates with me so much is that the words paraphrase or capture ideas described in scripture. If you've never heard the song and would like to, or if you have heard it and would like to again, follow this link to Chris Tomlin's VEVO site: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOkImV2cJDg. As an exercise, I tried to pinpoint verses that verify the soundness of the song's lyrics. This is what I came up with.

I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear to me, and hear my speech. (Psalm 17:6)

But I will sing of thy power; yea, I will sing aloud of thy mercy in the morning: for thou hast been my defence and refuge in the day of my trouble. (Psalm 59:16)

If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. (Psalm 139:11–12)

God, whose word word I praise,
God I trust; I do not fear.
What can mere flesh do to me?
(Psalm 56:4; LEB)

I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them. And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet. For thou hast girded me with strength to battle: them that rose up against me hast thou subdued under me. (2 Sam 22:38–40)

Happy art thou, O Israel: who is like unto thee, O people saved by the Lord, the shield of thy help, and who is the sword of thy excellency! and thine enemies shall be found liars unto thee; and thou shalt tread upon their high places. (Deut 33:29)

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me. (Psalm 138:7)

God I trust; I do not fear.
What can mere humankind do to me?
(Psalm 56:11; LEB)

The name of the Lord is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe. (Prov 18:10)

I, even I, am the Lord; and beside me there is no saviour. (Isa 43:11)

And call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me. (Psalm 50:15)

O sing unto the Lord a new song; for He hath done marvelous things: his right hand, and his holy arm, hath gotten him the victory. (Psalm 98:1)

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
(Psalm 27:1; ESV)

No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord. (Isa 54:17)

In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. (Psalm 95:4–5)

But cleave unto the Lord your God, as ye have done unto this day…. One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the Lord your God, he it is that fighteth for you, as he hath promised you. (Josh 23:8,10)

I will sing of the mercies of the Lord for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness to all generations…. (Psalm 89:1)
And the heavens shall praise thy wonders, O Lord: thy faithfulness also in the congregation of the saints…. (Psalm 89:5)
O Lord God of hosts, who is a strong Lord like unto thee? or to thy faithfulness round about thee? (Psalm 89:8)

For ye shall not go out with haste, nor go by flight: for the Lord will go before you; and the God of Israel will be your rearward. (Isa 52:12)

Bless the Lord, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word. Bless ye the Lord, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure. (Psalm 103:20–21)

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. (Deut 31:6)

The Lord shall reign for ever and ever. (Ex 15:18)

But thou, Israel, art my servant, Jacob whom I have chosen, the seed of Abraham my friend. (Isa 41:8)

The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. (Psalm 34:7)

And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed. (Deut 31:8)

Scripture quotations marked (LEB) are from Lexham English Bible. Copyright 2012 Logos Bible Software. Lexham is a registered trademark of Logos Bible Software.
See http://lexhamenglishbible.com/license/ for license information.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

All other scripture quoted from the King James Version of the Bible. The KJV is public domain in the United States. See version information here: https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/King-James-Version-KJV-Bible/#vinfo.

Walls of Defense

I have always been shy, reserved, and timid. Then came the traumatic situation, and these inborn character traits grew more extreme. The shyness turned into shamefacedness. My reserved nature turned into a reclusive nature. The timidity turned into chronic fear. As strange as it may seem, shame, reclusiveness, and especially fear are how I protect myself. These extremes are some of the building blocks of my defensive wall.

In ancient days it was not uncommon for cities to be enclosed by defensive walls. The history of Jerusalem's city walls is partially recorded in brief passages throughout the Bible. Sometimes these passages recount the building of defensive walls, and sometimes they recount the destruction of those walls. Here are some passages for consideration:

BUILT: The first wall of the city known as Jerusalem was built by King Solomon.
1 Kings 9:15—And this is the account of the forced labor that King Solomon drafted to build the house of the Lord and his own house and the Millo and the wall of Jerusalem….
(See also 1 Kings 3:1.)

DESTROYED: King Jehoash of Israel destroyed a section of the wall of Jerusalem that was well over a mile long.
2 Kings 14:13—And Jehoash king of Israel … came to Jerusalem and broke down the wall of Jerusalem for four hundred cubits….
(See also 2 Chron 25:23.)

BUILT: When Sennacherib, King of Assyria, threatened Jerusalem, King Hezekiah of Judah repaired the broken wall and built another wall outside the original city wall.
2 Chron 32:5—He set to work resolutely and built up all the wall that was broken down and raised towers upon it, and outside it he built another wall….

BUILT: King Manasseh of Judah, Hezekiah's son, built an outer wall upon his release from Assyrian captivity.
2 Chron 33:14—He built an outer wall for the city of David west of Gihon, in the valley, and for the entrance into the Fish Gate, and carried it around to Ophel, and raised it to a very great height….

DESTROYED: When King Zedekiah of Judah revolted against Babylonian rule, King Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon attacked Jerusalem.
Jer 52:14—And all the army of the Chaldeans, who were with the captain of the guard, broke down all the walls around Jerusalem.
(See also 2 Kings 25:10; 2 Chron 36:19; Jer 39:8.)
Soon after the fall of Jerusalem, Jeremiah the prophet recorded a lament for the fallen city.
Lam 2:8—The Lord determined to lay in ruins the wall of the daughter of Zion; he stretched out the measuring line; he did not restrain his hand from destroying; he caused rampart and wall to lament; they languished together.

BUILT: Nehemiah was allowed by King Artaxerxes of Persia to return to Jerusalem to rebuild the city walls.
Neh 6:15—So the wall was finished on the twenty-fifth day of the month Elul, in fifty-two days.

DESTROYED: Jesus prophesied about the fall of Jerusalem that occurred in 70 AD.
Luke 21:5–6, 20–21, 24—And while some were speaking of the temple, how it was adorned with noble stones and offerings, he said, “As for these things that you see, the days will come when there will not be left here one stone upon another that will not be thrown down.” … “But when you see Jerusalem surrounded by armies, then know that its desolation has come near. Then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains, and let those who are inside the city depart, and let not those who are out in the country enter it…. Jerusalem will be trampled underfoot by the Gentiles….”

Why did God allow the walls of Jerusalem to fall time and time again? I think a fraction of the reason God allowed the destruction of the walls is given in Deuteronomy 28:52, before the Israelites were even established in Canaan: “They shall besiege you in all your towns, until your high and fortified walls, in which you trusted, come down throughout all your land….”

God allowed Jerusalem's defeat because the Israelites placed their trust in their own defensive structures rather than in Him. No matter how high we build our walls, if our trust is in our own defenses rather than in God, we are vulnerable to the enemy.

My trust has been primarily in the defensive walls I have built to protect myself, not in God. May the following words be true for me and for anyone who reads this as we work to place our trust in God: “‘We have a strong city; he sets up salvation as walls and bulwarks. Open the gates, that the righteous nation that keeps faith may enter in. You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you’” (Isa 26:1–3).

Scripture quotations are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

The First Not-Good Thing

I just finished reading Wladyslaw Szpilman's The Pianist and rereading Jon Krakauer's Into the Wild. Both books include accounts of instances in which the real-life protagonists are profoundly alone.

In The Pianist, Szpilman recounts (among several other horrifying experiences) his survival as a Jew hiding in the ruins of Warsaw also occupied by the German army. For the greater part of 4 months, he had to remain in hiding, completely cut off from interaction with any fellow human being. The only human beings he was able to observe for this duration were part of an army bent on exterminating his people. He remembers the Christmas of 1944 and the New Year celebration of 1945 as being the worst and loneliest holidays of his life. Szpilman was at this time devastated by the undeniable thought that he had to be alone if he wanted to live.

Nearly 50 years after Szpilman suffered 4 agonizing months of necessary solitude in order to survive, Chris McCandless voluntarily and enthusiastically embarked on a solo adventure into the wilderness of Alaska, which lasted almost 4 months, and lost his life. Jon Krakauer pieces together the puzzling story of Chris McCandless's tragic and solitary death in his book Into the Wild. McCandless wanted to travel into the Alaskan wilderness and survive entirely on his own for a time, largely by living off the land. After a few weeks it seems he was more than ready to reenter civilization. However, the small river separating wilderness from civilization that he crossed a few weeks earlier had swelled greatly and treacherously because of glacial melt and seasonal rain. He saw no way to cross. In his improvised journal, two words in that day's entry stand out: “Lonely, scared.” The circumstances leading up to McCandless's death remain a mystery. A note he left at his camp a few days before his death indicates he was desperate for help, injured, weak, and includes the phrase “I am all alone.”

The two men in these accounts experienced an aloneness very few of us can fathom. But I think aloneness is something many of us can relate to if only out of the sense of dread with which it is often associated. To me, feeling alone is one of the most depressing and debilitating experiences a person can endure. Offshoots of this feeling that come to mind are fear, despair, emptiness, desperation, hopelessness.

The account of creation given in the book of Genesis, chapters 1 and 2, is worthy of much study and meditation. I am endlessly in awe of what these words tell us about the world that was created with all that is in it and around it, of how God created and established it, and of how he views and feels about it.

Remember the repetition of a certain phrase throughout chapter 1?: “And God saw that it was good” (Gen 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25). On either side of this cluster of verses are similar statements: “And God saw that the light was good” (Gen 1:4) and “God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good” (Gen 1:31).

Continue reading in chapter 2 and you will eventually come upon the first not-good thing mentioned in Scripture. Genesis 2:18 reads “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone….’” I believe this statement of God is recorded for several reasons. One reason is to emphasize that man needs help from someone who can relate to him, someone similar to himself. The latter half of God's statement in verse 18 reads, “I will make him a helper fit for him.”

I find it interesting that the word “help” or “helper” is used as the solution to the not-good circumstance of aloneness. The solution was not a particular relation, a child, a brother, or even a wife. A more general term that every person on this earth can relate to was chosen: “help.” God knows we need other people in our lives to help us in the various circumstances we face. He does not want any of us to be alone.

The men in the books mentioned above both found themselves in desperate situations and entirely alone. One man had to be alone to be safe. The other chose a lonely venture. One man received unlikely help from another man and survived, lived to tell his own tale. The other never received help and died alone, his tale only partially pieced together by a man he never knew.

Both men were in situations where they could not simply walk over to a person and ask for help. Most of us have never and will never experience a circumstance even remotely resembling these. However, there are times when we feel alone, and we hurt because of this feeling. In these not-good times, do you see that there is help? Can you find another person to talk to? Can you email a relative, text a sibling, call a friend? The emotional experience of feeling alone is not the same as the reality of being alone. Remember these things, self (and others reading this), when emotion overwhelms actual circumstance. God does not want you to be alone. He did not create you to be alone. He wants you to benefit from the help of other people. He quite literally made it so.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

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Only conscious when asleep
Alarm signals inactive mind
Thoughts and feelings all held captive
All is lost and wandering blind
Walking backwards on a tightrope
A breeze fells the house of cards
Bearing weight of stone cathedrals
Glass becomes a thousand shards
Wise Solomon trapped in folly
Humble Moses ensnared by pride
Godly David found unfaithful
Immortal Adam knew and died

Two tornadic minds in motion
Sensations thrown into reverse
Sparks and signals in the crossfire
Tightly held confusion-curse
All of life spins in a circle
Fiercely winding turning top
Grinding gears unoiled machinery
Breathless rollercoaster drop
Chosen Jacob known deceiver
Unwilling Tamar sent away
Lying spirits sent from heaven
Virgin daughters proposed as prey

Waken mind that sleeps while watching
Too much rubble obscures the view
Violent memories left abandoned
Troubled waters demand their due
Strong connections in the circuits
Wires frayed with overuse
Pathways are not prison shackles
Iron fetters can come loose
Mighty Samson strong in weakness
King Manasseh bowed in chains
Three faithful men withstood fire
A crucified man lives and reigns

To the extent possible under law, J has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to this work. This work is published from: United States.