12/30/2013

New Resolve

2013 has been a rocky year for me. I wouldn't call it all “bad.” But it definitely has been rocky. I feel like I hit a lot of these:

Cartoon image of a brick wall.
Lots of brick walls. It hurts to run into those. Leaves you feeling desperate and angry, frustrated.

The new year is only two days away. But I don't have to wait to make a change. Starting right now I can be a better steward of the things God has granted me. I can be more patient in trials. I can pray more than I worry or fear (or at least just as much!). I can focus on and be more thankful for the blessings God continually pours upon me.

Starting now, I can choose to place my faith in Jesus Christ more than I ever have before. And to continue making that choice.

Here goes!

9/30/2013

Heart of Stone

The word of the Lord came to the priest Ezekiel during the first wave of Babylonian captivity.

… “Thus says the Lord God: I will gather you from the peoples and assemble you out of the countries where you have been scattered, and I will give you the land of Israel.” And when they come there, they will remove from it all its detestable things and all its abominations. And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the HEART OF STONE from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God. But as for those whose heart goes after their detestable things and their abominations, I will bring their deeds upon their own heads, declares the Lord God. (Ezek 11:17–21; emphasis mine)
Thus says the Lord God: It is not for your sake, O house of Israel, that I am about to act, but for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations to which you came…. I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the HEART OF STONE from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. (Ezek 36:22, 24–28; emphasis mine)

A heart of stone. What is that? I think I know. I think I have experienced at least a little bit of what it is like to have a heart made of stone. A heart unresponsive to God's word, to His patience, kindness, mercy, and faithfulness. Knowing and believing that something is wrong but doing it anyway. Instead of praying for strength or escape from temptation, allowing myself to go numb and give in.

Ezekiel prophesied during the reign of Zedekiah. Not much is recorded of Zedekiah in the Chronicles, but enough is said to give us a picture of this man. He was young by our standards. Only 21 when his reign began. Only about 32 when his reign ended in his capture. He rebelled against the King of Babylon though he swore by God he would remain subject to Babylonian authority. Because he swore by God, he rebelled against God in doing this. Despite the prophet Jeremiah's numerous warnings and prophecies, Zedekiah remained unmoved: “He stiffened his neck and hardened his heart against turning to the Lord” (2 Chron 36:11–14).

Ezekiel's prophecies and Zedekiah's example were written for my benefit, for everyone's benefit. Here is a snapshot of my life: I am a young female, 27 years old. I have been struggling with a secret sin on and off for several years but regularly for the past several months. Because of my deliberate and repetitious rebellion against God, I am now captive to this sin, ensnared by it. Not wholly unmoved, but not turning to God, I have grown addicted. I harden my heart when I give in. I harden my heart against God. Once I become numb I am powerless to stop myself.

And yet, God is still God. And He has unfathomable power. John the Baptist proclaimed to the multitudes that came to be baptized, “God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham” (Luke 3:8). If God can change stones into living descendants of Abraham, He most certainly can replace a heart of stone with a heart of flesh.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV* Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version*), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

In the acknowledgment above, fair use constitutes permission. See https://www.crossway.org/support/esv-bible-permissions/ for information on copyright and permissions.

8/23/2013

This “Dismissive-Avoidant” in Relation to God

I dismiss my holy Father in heaven. I dismiss His mercy and grace and forgiveness. I dismiss His strength and power and might. I dismiss His wisdom and knowledge and understanding. I dismiss His precious Son who He sent to this earth to live a life of servitude and to ultimately die on the cross for all our sins. I dismiss the Holy Spirit who God sent to dwell within those who believe in Him and His Son.

I avoid my holy Father in heaven. I avoid Him when guilt and shame overwhelm me. I avoid Him when I am tempted and caught in sin. I avoid Him when I am afraid and don't know what to do. I avoid contemplating His Son's sacrifice. I avoid the idea that the Holy Spirit lives within me.

I depend on myself, my own resolve and strength and mind, rather than crying out to God for help. But I am through. I have no more to give in this fight. I am tired of feeling hopeless, afraid, and alone. I need my God and Father in my life.

Once again, Father, I spent several hours of the past few days in sin. You know this but I want to confess my sin to You. You know how I hate it yet am drawn to it. You know how I try to run from it yet I keep returning to it. You know the pangs of guilt I experience near the end of my sin and the wave of shame that washes over me. I am dirty, weak, and lost, Lord God. Please help me to receive and accept Your mercy, grace, and forgiveness; to lean on Your strength, power, and might; to seek counsel in Your wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Help me to accept that Your Son died for the sins of us all, including my own, and to think often on His sacrifice and what it means for me. Help me to accept and allow the influence of the Holy Spirit in my life. It is by the intercession of the Holy Spirit and through the name of Your Son that I am able to pray to You, Father. Amen.

7/01/2013

Learning About Your Attachment Style

Faculty and doctoral candidates at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign are conducting research on attachment, particularly adult attachment. In my amateur research on attachment theory (meaning when I googled it), I came across two websites managed by some of the university's researchers that host or link to attachment-related and personality quizzes/questionnaires: http://www.yourPersonality.net/, maintained by Associate Professor R. Chris Fraley, and http://www.personalityassessor.com, maintained by doctoral candidate Nathan W. Hudson. Researchers are using these online questionnaires for the education of the quiz-taker as well as for collecting information to further their research. (See http://www.yourPersonality.net/about.htm and http://www.personalityassessor.com/about for more specifics.) If you are at all interested in attachment theory or personality assessments, I highly recommend these websites. Both provide informative quiz results that can help you understand more about yourself and how you relate to others in the context of attachment theory. Below are summaries of a few quiz results I received.

From http://www.yourPersonality.net/:

Relationship Structures

This quiz asks questions about four significant relationships in a person's life. Results are plotted on a coordinate grid, placing the quiz-taker in one of four broad attachment categories. All of my results land unquestionably in the “dismissing” area of the graph.

Close Relationships Questionnaire [ECR-R Attachment Style Questionnaire]

This quiz asks questions about your experience in “intimate” relationships, focusing on romantic relationships. The result is plotted on a grid, similar to the results in the Relationship Structures quiz, again placing the quiz-taker in one of the four attachment categories. Not surprisingly, based on my results I have a dismissing attachment style.

From www.personalityassessor.com:

Your Attachment Network

This quiz allows you to choose four significant people in your life and asks you to identify your relationship to them. Several statements are presented and you are prompted to respond in regard to the various relationships you selected. Your results for each relationship are broken down into three general categories: 1) Usage as Attachment Figure, 2) Attachment Anxiety, and 3) Attachment Avoidance. Your attachment style is provided for each relationship as well. To top it all off, your overall levels of Attachment Anxiety and Attachment Avoidance are plotted in comparison to the results of others who have taken the quiz. Once again, my results state that I exhibit a dismissing attachment style. My overall anxiety and avoidance ratings appear below.

I find these websites extremely helpful in learning about and better understanding my attachment pattern/style. This awareness has helped me process a bit more of the distressing aspects in past relationships as well as understanding my struggles in present relationships. Yes, I am insecure in relationships. Yes, I use avoidance tactics to cope with distress. No, it doesn't always have to be this way.

5/27/2013

Attachment Theory: The Basics

Attachment is a concept my therapist has discussed with me at various times in regard to my relationship with my parents. Being the amateur scholar I am, I have read a bit about attachment theory to better understand and see if aspects of it fit my past experience. Below is a conjoined summary of the following sources:

Beginnings of Attachment Theory and Research: Infant Attachment Patterns

Attachment theory was developed by British psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s. Bowlby developed the theory after observing the separation of infants from their parents. He noted that it is common for infants to try very hard to prevent separation from parents, and, if separated, to try to regain proximity to the absent parents. Bowlby posited that the attachment behavioral system is a product of natural selection that developed because throughout the ages babies who stayed close to their parents, or attachment figures, had a better chance for survival. [Personal note: As a believer in God and His creation of the world and all that is in it, I disagree with Bowlby's assumption that attachment is a product of natural selection; I do, however, agree with the notion that attachment is rooted in human biology. End personal note.]

Attachment serves three basic purposes: 1) It provides a safe haven. 2) It provides a secure base. 3) It regulates physiological arousal.

  1. The safe haven is a real and felt entity, providing both physical and emotional safety. It is a “place” where a child can be safe and feel safe.
  2. The secure base provides a stable shelter from which a child can venture with confidence and explore the larger environment.
  3. The regulation of physiological arousal a child experiences when comforted by a responsive parent promotes his ability to self-regulate and self-soothe on an emotional and physiological level.

Mary Ainsworth's famous “Strange Situation” experiment led to the categorization of relational behaviors into attachment patterns. In the Strange Situation study, 12-month-old infants were observed with mothers, when separated from mothers, and when reunited with mothers. Ainsworth found that there are three distinct attachment patterns in infants: 1) secure; 2) anxious-resistant, an insecure pattern; and 3) avoidant, another insecure pattern.

  1. Secure infants are noticeably upset when separated from their mothers and readily welcome contact and comfort when reunited with their mothers.
  2. Anxious-resistant infants experience high levels of distress when separated from their mothers but seem conflicted when reunited with their mothers; they seem to desire comfort but they also defiantly resist being comforted.
  3. Avoidant infants do not seem very disturbed when separated from their mothers and attempt to avoid their mothers or avert their attention to other things when reunited with their mothers.

Current Attachment Research: Infant and Adult Attachment Patterns

In recent decades, researchers began to study attachment in adults, widening the scope of attachment to relationships other than the parent-child relationship. Research findings authored by Brennan, Clark, and Shaver (1998) iterate that there are two dimensions of adult attachment patterns: anxiety and avoidance. These dimensions recall aspects of Ainsworth's insecure infant attachment patterns.

Researchers have also continued to study infant attachment. Replications and descendants of Ainsworth's Strange Situation repeatedly revealed the need for a fourth category of infant attachment, so the disorganized attachment pattern was added to the three existing categories. The four infant attachment patterns have counterparts in the four adult attachment patterns.

Comparison of Infant Attachment Patterns with Adult Attachment Patterns.

Though there are clearly defined and widely recognized categories of attachment, attachment is, as Allen puts it, “somewhat fluid” (p. 41). Most people have multiple attachment figures throughout the course of their lives. It is possible to have different attachment patterns with different attachment figures. It is also possible for attachment patterns with one attachment figure to change over time. Though these possibilities exist, according to Fraley (2010), the factors that promote change in an individual's attachment patterns are not clearly understood and remain an important area of future research.